Amateur’s attempt at editing/proofreading

It was an honor to receive the rough draft copy ( wonderfully fresh and unedited ) of  a book my friend, Alex, had written. I asked permission to proofread it on my blog, and she approved.  Alex, my friend,  be warned, I’m about to dissect it, so, please , don’t hate me.  * smiles * .  However,  I have to admit I’m not an English major, and for a long time, English wasn’t even my first language.  < laughs > I might even turn it from better to worse.  So, feel free to kick my arse if you think  I have been harsh and unfair.  Deal ?   Allright, here goes nothing:

1. Ch. One

” I…I think I’m dieing.”   [ ” I… I think I’m dying .” ]

The lone street light, elaborated the beautiful horror.     [ The lone street light elaborated the beautiful horror. ] * no comma after light. *

The pain he once felt was gone, replaced with the comfort of deaths arms.   [ The pain…… , replaced with the comfort of death  s  arms. ]  * apostrophe after death *

The falling light did not let up, but the blood still shown through the newly formed snow. The mans gray eyes still open, starring forever into darkness.   [ The falling light…………, but the blood still showed  through the newly formed snow. The mans gray eyes were still open, staring forever into darkness.] * Also,avoid using the same word, like still, when usage is  close to each other.* < repetitiveness > Or, you can say , ” The man’s gray eyes were still open as they stared forever into darkness .”

Locked on his target he spoke. [ Locked on his target , he spoke.]  * comma after target *

He spoke so stoically, no emotion lingered in that voice. [ He spoke so stoically that  no emotion lingered in his voice. ] Or [  He spoke stoically, no emotion  lingered in that voice.] * Take out the word  so to preserve the staccato style of your writing. *

The pavement cracked with such force, that it screamed. [ …. with such force that it screamed.] * no comma after force *

The said target, fell backwards to the ground….. [ The said target fell backwards……] * no comma after target*

The target stuttered, his green eye’s wavered.[  The target….. green eyes wavered.] * no apostrophe in eyes*

Moving his arm he slung it left….[ Moving his arm, he slung it left…] * comma after arm*

The targets body slumped to the ground, and a few minutes later a dull thump was heard. [ The target’s body slumped to the ground. A few minutes later, a dull thump was heard.]

The voice once again spoke, acknowledging his achievement. Giving the man a last order. [ The voice……..achievement, giving the man a last order.]

His shoes walked over the sticky red substance with quite easy. Bloody footprints trailed behind him. The man stopped at a street light. Looking up into it. His features visibly seen. [  He  walked over the sticky red substance with quiet ease. ….. The man stopped at a street light, looked up into it, his features visibly seen. ] * ” visibly seen ” sounds awkward, though. Think of other words or phrase *

Specks of wet blood, painted his face.He stood there, silently. He was seemingly talking to something else, then the dead body below. [ Specks of wet blood , painted on his face. He stood there, silently. He was seemingly talking to something else, then to the dead body below. ]  * How about changing it to ” His face was painted with specks of wet blood? ” It still sounds awkward , but , specks of wet blood do not paint. They are painted on, or face is painted with…. *

Well, that’s it for my Chapter One’s amateur attempt to proofread a writer’s wonderful work.

Hahaha ! Are we still friends ?  Don’t hate meeeee !

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by dreamsending on October 13, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    LOL, its fine its fine, but wow, you really wrote alot. But next time, don’t write it out like that, for the later chapters. I am fine with the first to be out.

    You will also notice in the book, I spelt “eye’s” alot. Those are all changed to “eyes”.

    I was thinking of a nit pic, lol. Well I hope you had a good test, take care

    Reply

  2. LOL You said the word….. haha, I was nitpicking ! !

    I enjoy reading and checking, and , well, yeah, it’s slowing me down. Maybe i’ll just read first, then check it out for errors.

    Your book’s gonna increase in value , lol. But next time, please, Alex, can you sign it with your real, own signature, not print , with glitters? lol I appreciate the glitters though.

    Reply

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